Confessional

please see footnote*

I just love these little chats wherein I lay bare my soul. *cracks knuckles. rolls shoulders back*

Here we go. Did you know that at least three-fourths of my waking hours [possibly, very possible more like seven-eighths, or maaaaybe even nine-tenths] I spend thinking I might be going crazy. Racing thoughts is a symptom of mental illness. I think millions and millions of things constantly every second all the time and I often want a vacation from my own mind. And I think this makes me a genius or prime drug addict potential.

I have two toenails that fell off after my last downhill race, one of which ripped off while I was wake surfing in Utah Lake. Toenails falling off post-race is normal for me. Not normal was the infection I got in the one. I blame Utah Lake for that. I've spent the last several years since we got a boat lying to myself, telling myself that lake isn't the teeming bacterial cesspool that it is. No more. Utah Lake you are warm, but gross.

There are a few easy, easy homemaking tasks that I avoid because I have led myself to believe they are incredibly difficult. As I carry a laundry basket of clean clothes upstairs and into my room I often am thinking "this will be so hard to fold these clothes. So hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. The thought of folding the laundry is sucking the life force from me." And then I fold the laundry, which takes a total of five minutes, and immediately I give myself a mental pat on the back. "You are amazing! You can do hard things!" This is how I have survive the weary life of stay-at-home motherhood for nigh on thirteen years.

This whole summer I have only wanted to read long, epic, fantasy fairytales. I've read a few other books in between, and even have a late library book of a different genre that I am insisting to myself that I finish before returning, but really I just want to read another DAUGHTER OF THE FOREST.

Sometimes, when my emotions are too angry, too big, too explosive, I go to the creek across the street and throw rocks. I think of the thing that is upsetting me, I transfer that negative thought into the rock, the ugly, gray little rock and I throw it as hard as I can. Sometimes even with my left arm, which is hysterical because those arm muscles are practically nonexistent and definitely not coordinated. And then I end up laughing. Laughing so hard I usually cry. It. Is. Awesome. And perfect self-therapy.

*You may notice that the picture accompanying this post has nothing to do with anything in the post. Thanks for noticing.

gratitude day 7: confessionals

i am grateful for confessionals.

i just finished reading a great book: THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION by brené brown. in one chapter, she explains why it is so important to share things that make us feel shameful, to own our stories, and to not run from vulnerabilities. without having heard/read it before, i have been doing this all along here on my blog with my confessionals. in brené's words:

shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story...it can't survive being shared. shame loves secrecy. when we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.

thank you, dear readers, for showing compassion and empathy when i confess here on my blog, instead of judgment, blame, or trying to "fix" my problems.

so, in the spirit of sharing, here's my latest confessional:

i confess, i am terrible at keeping all my balls up in the air. i tend to hyper-focus and then I have a hard time stopping one thing and moving on to the next. there is no moderation in my life. i spent an entire day cleaning [toothbrush scrubbing, grout-sealing, baseboard-wiping type of cleaning]. the next day i spent an entire day writing. followed by an entire night watching season 1 of grey’s anatomy on netflix. then an entire day graphic designing. only to realize I have not done the laundry all week. or read a book. or blogged about what i’m thankful for. and oops, are those the vitamins i’m supposed to take every day still sitting on the counter?

do you keep a schedule? i would love to know how you divide up your time and tasks. how much time do you spend doing housework? cooking? errand running? working? please share.

also, we are trying to buckle down on unnecessary spending. so of course, i bought the shirt you see above. because it seemed like a need to remind everyone that voltron is the defender of the universe. anyone else have a hard time distinguishing between wants and needs?

i am retiring as a piano teacher after our spring recital in march. and i cried when i typed the flyer up in which i broke the news to my students. teaching piano has been a big blessing and part of my life while my kids were little and nap-takers, but as our family has grown and changed, it’s gotten harder and harder. that afternoon time is precious. i’m trying to focus on writing and designing while the kids are at school and then make the most of the time my kids are home—spending it with them.

i have a secret love for aaron neville. can’t be explained, but i thought i should share. do you have a secret musical shame?

i may or may not have much time to blog again before tax season is over. yes, i’m doing it "one more time." one more time. i’d rather write php code than prepare taxes, but i’m doing it for the money. i will answer to the name “tax whore” until april 15.


until then, i have to finalize a few things with a fun design project i hope to be able to share with you guys soon. and, i need to finish that novel i’m always writing about [when i should just be writing it.] i’m 88,000 words in and i can see, taste, smell, hear, feel the ending. there is crying—and kissing—involved in the final scenes. also, ocean waves breaking dramatically, but no one. word. sentences.

so, if it’s quiet around here for awhile, you’ll know why.

confessional and a cry for help

it's about time for another confessional. i just love getting things off my chest.

1) remember how i did that post about school lunch? keep all that nutritional effort in mind. yesterday, the first thing micah said when he came home from school was, "awesome job on the lunch, mom! that was the best one ever." in the lunch that day: p.b.j. sandwich, apparently for the first time.

2) i'm feeling a little grinch-y about christmas this year. i just want to stay in my cave and be mean and all alone with my little black heart.

3) i have said "yes" too many times this last month when i should have said "no". so, before you ask, this month the answer is going to be "no".

4) i have a secret shame. pictured here are all the books i have purchased and NOT read. (and also all the books i have checked out at the library right now). please help. do you see any titles that you would consider a must-read? i am trying to commit to not requesting any more books from the library until i read the books i've already purchased. i'll let you know how i do.

things that make me cry

things that made me cry this week:

-the barbie commercial shown during movie previews
-the carl bloch museum exhibit
-the news story about the 5 children's homicides this year in layton
-the passing of my friend's mother, even thought i never met her
-researching heroin recovery rates for my next novel
-reading CUTTING FOR STONE

what about you? are you a cryer like me?

John 20: 24, 26-29

24 ¶ But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came.

• • •

26 ¶ And after eight days again his disciples were within, and Thomas with them: then came Jesus, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, Peace be unto you.

27 Then saith he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and ^athrust it into my side: and be not ^bfaithless, but ^cbelieving.

28 And Thomas answered and said unto him, My Lord and my God.

29 Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast ^aseen me, thou hast believed: ^bblessed are they that have not seen, and yet have ^cbelieved.

confessional

i think it's about time for another confessional. don't you?

i am a procrastinator. i started making a list of all the things i have been putting off, but then i decided to wait and do it later. [things like: finish sewing my mother's present for her birthday...which was in august] i have piles in every room of things i started or am waiting to start and never get around to. it's a sickness.

i cried the other day while my piano student was playing für elise because it was so beautiful. does this make me crazy? highly possible.

i am afraid of our renter, who lives in our rental house next door. this is an unfounded fear, but it still stops me from going outside or tending my garden like i should be. possibly it's related to her thin-white-tank-top-no-bra-55-year-old-body, but is that a real reason to be afraid? i don't know.

i am terrified of grasshoppers. i would rather kill a mouse, spider, snake, cockroach, scorpion, ANYTHING.

i cannot master the art of the self portrait. either it's a shot up my nose [see above] or just a corner of my head and all background.

i have lost the desire to read, which used to be the one thing i'd rather do over any thing else.

i just finished watching the complete series of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER and i loved it.* i can see why so many people claim it was the greatest television series of all time. i actually was going to write a whole post on it, but changed my mind. i can't think of a single person to recommend it to.

i have joined the general population in the over use of the exclamation mark. comments on facebook and replies to email just seem more friendly sprinkled with a few! don't you think?!

*could possibly be the cause of afore mentioned loss of desire to read

confessional

i am so tired.

i have failed in my goal to write every day in 2010.

i have a secret love for the singer aaron neville.

i ate a rotisserie chicken the day after i watched food, inc.

i vacuumed my room for the first time in ... really i can't remember when i last vacuumed it. maybe june?

i am in love with the book i am reading. i love it so much i don't want to tell people about it, because what if they don't like it?

i have been crying all day, off and on for the dumbest reason, but i can't stop. somebody put me to bed.

i feel like throwing up every time i think about starting work full time again tomorrow.

wish me luck. i'll be doing it all without sugar this year. NO TREATS UNTIL APRIL 15th.