routines and a fall playlist

Hello, hello.

After a chaotic start to October, I've settled into a good writing routine. It's lasted two days so far. Ha! But I'm counting that. The key for me is to put my blinders on and get my writing done first thing after the kids have left for school. Sometimes* I even have to leave the house or I'll start another load of laundry, make the bed, check emails, put away clothes and before you know it, I have an organized house but no writing done. And we can't have that, can we?

What about you? Do you have any wisdom you can share for sticking with a routine?

Here's a link to my FALL 2013 Spotify playlist I've been listening to. To cheer me up, to set a mood for writing a difficult scene, and everything in between. As usual, some new, some old. The last song is the soundtrack for the goat video I posted on Instagram. Email me if you don't do Spotify and I'll hook you up.

FALL 2013

1. Blurry-eyed Worries :: BRONZE RADIO RETURN
2. Analog or Digital :: WILDLIFE CONTROL
3. Knock Knock :: BAND OF HORSES
4. How Come You Don't Want Me :: TEGAN AND SARA
5. Blue Ice :: SHOUT OUT LOUDS
6. 1999 :: SHOUT OUT LOUDS
7. Junk of the Heart (Happy) :: THE KOOKS
8. The Way You Are :: 46BLISS
9. All My Life :: DJ HARRY
10. Lost and Found :: ADRIENNE PIERCE
11. Farther Along :: JOSH GARRELS
12. The Giving Tree :: THE AUTUMN FILM
13. Look At What the Light Did Now :: LITTLE WINGS
14. Death of an Interior Decorator :: DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE
15. A Lack of Color :: DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE
16. Yeah Yeah Yeah :: THE SOUNDS
17. WIsh You Were Hear :: THE SOUNDS
18. Bloom :: THE VEILS
19. Drive Darling :: BOY
20. Little Numbers :: BOY

*No, not sometimes. ALWAYS.

but i thought you finished your book.

when i finished the first draft of my second novel, i joyfully told EVERYONE I KNEW. the same way you'd tell everyone if you'd completed a marathon. or graduated from college. or, you know, BIRTHED A CHILD.

it was a great accomplishment and a triumphant moment. but then something kept happening. people started asking me the same question. it started about a week after i'd finished the first draft. in passing conversation, i happened to mention that i was spending about 6 hours a day writing. and this dear person, who probably loves me more than anyone else in the world, asked me:

but i thought you'd finished your book?

then same thing happened again with someone else. and then again. and it hit me: there MIGHT be a couple of things that the normal person doesn't understand about writing, or writers, or maybe just about me. and of course it falls on my shoulders to correct this injustice.

and so. two things. first: writing is rewriting. i've never heard of any published novelist who wrote a perfect first draft and never changed a thing. many writers i know spend AT LEAST as much time revising as they do first-drafting. i'm no different. it took me about nine months to write the first draft, but that was writing about 1 hr a day. and i suspect it'll take me about that many hours to rewrite and revise until i feel like it's ready for the publishing world.

and here's the other thing. even when i am done with this second novel, even when it feels complete and like it's as good as i can make it on my own, even if it gets published, EVEN IF IT NEVER GETS PUBLISHED, even then i'll still be writing. because it turns out i love it, and it makes me feel alive and energized and there are so many stories i have to tell.

and i have a sneaking suspicion that even after i die, i'll still be making up stories. i'm just not sure the publishing process will be the same in heaven.

follow my pinterest board here to see the image sources from above and to see what's inspiring my next story.

from whence writing ideas come

where do you get your ideas?

i'm not certain, but i believe that most published authors get asked this a lot more than any other question. [this assumption, of course, is based on what i've heard and read as i've relentlessly stalked the lives of my favorite authors, both online and in person.]

well, it's your lucky day because i'm here to tell you where we get our ideas and where you can get them too! they come from a section in target, near the seasonal items, always on the bottom shelf, in boxes labeled "really awesome story ideas".

not amused, huh? okay, seriously, i've heard authors answer this in a lot of ways.

some try to be funny, i think it was steven king who joked with fans that he gets his ideas at walmart. THAT IS JUST ONE MORE REASON NOT TO SHOP THERE, PEEPS.

i've heard authors answer arrogantly: i make them up, duh. my ideas come from my brain. which is totally not helpful.

but those authors are kind of also, annoyingly, right. you need to create ideas. but there's a process i learned to follow for getting those ideas, and it worked really well for the novel i'm working on right now and it starts with making a list.

raise your hand if you like making lists as much as i do. okay, now go grab a notebook or open up a new word doc and start making a list.

people
think about people who are interesting to you. not people you want to be like, or admire, but people that are in situations or do things that make you think big thoughts. when i did this, i listed people like: homeless bums. (why are they homeless? do they like it? are they ashamed?) people who live double lives (i love the idea of keeping a secret. are they doing it to protect someone? to avoid getting caught?) addicts (the idea of someone who feels so intensely that they must buffer the sensations of the world is so interesting to me).

now make a list of the last ten people who did something to hurt you. go ahead. savor those resentments. ha! no really, don't dwell on past wrongs, but just remember those people. thinking about people who hurt you opens up your heart to pain, but it also opens it up to ideas, i think. when i did this, i could only think of five people who have ever hurt me in my entire life. i don't know what this means. but moving on...

places
make a list of places that you consider spiritual homes. places you feel the most serene, the most calm, the most in tune with the universe. THERE'S A REASON BOTH MY BOOKS HAVE REFERENCES TO CITRUS GROVES.

now make a list of places that scare you. tall cliffs? dark forests? suffocating small towns? see how this works?

concepts
now make a list of themes or concepts that engage your mind. your list could be single words or paragraphs or more. one word or idea may spark more. make yourself continue listing for at least 15 minutes. i especially love the story and themes of THE PRODIGAL SON. on my list i have things like: self loathing, redemption, jealousy, betrayal, secrecy, revenge, vindication. these are the things juicy stories are made of.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

if you're like me, or have the heart of a potential writer inside you, by this point characters or places or ideas have coalesced or combined or generated in your own mind the seed of a story idea.

once i have the seed of an idea, i move on to brainstorming, which sparks a future blog post idea. for another day, peeps, another day.

at least that's how it worked for me. i'd love to hear where your ideas come from.

how to find a writing group

you guys! i'm really excited about this post. if the exclamation point doesn't convey that to you, then how about all caps? I'M REALLY EXCITED! most people, when they find out i'm writing, and they are thinking about it too, they will inevitably ask how i found my critique group. i often answer that question by saying "tell the universe you are writing and your critique group will just come to you." which leaves them staring, unblinking at me, and me just shrugging my shoulders thinking, well it totally worked for me.

today i have one of my partners, olivia, doing a much better job of explaining how it really works. there's some great advice here, friends!

and to answer your second question, no, you cannot join our writing group. we've found that the number 3 works pretty good for us, just the right number to be efficient, but still allow for more than one opinion. every group is different though. don't panic or feel needy. the universe has enough for you and that means there are enough critique partners for you. they will come along if you do EXACTLY what olivia says.

--------------------------------------------

It started in January 2009. I was ashamed & hid it from everyone I knew. Even my husband. 

I didn’t confess to him for 4 months & I didn’t tell anyone else until well into the end of the year. By that point it had become so all consuming and obvious I just had to admit it out loud.

I had started WRITING…

And that, my friends, is first step to finding support in your shared addiction of writing, or in other words HOW TO FIND AN EXCELLENT WRITING GROUP. 

Because nothing beats the coming together of other like-minded, obsessed, crazy people like yourself. Let alone the leaps and bounds your writing will take for the better.

So, step #1, friends?

1. CONFESS

To be able to find a writing group you MUST tell people you are writing. You may have NO friends that are writing. I didn’t. But when I finally told them I was writing it led to a friend who knew a friend who was looking for a writing group. Which lead her to introduce me to some of the most kindred spirits I’ve ever known, Rachel & Meagan.

All because I grew a pair and said it out loud.

2. GO WHERE WRITERS ARE

This is not always easy. My first step was taking a “continuing education” class through a local University. (This is what finally prompted me to tell my husband I had been writing. I couldn’t exactly explain away my missing for 3 hours every Wednesday night). But if a small group like that is intimidating there is also a plethora of writing conferences you could check out. Those usually have a large group of people, great advice, and time to chat & network if you want. And, you’d be surprised, but just writing at Barnes and Noble A LOT of people will come up & ask us if we are writing or what we are writing. Most writing groups I know meet at Barnes & Noble.

I’m not saying go & eavesdrop on neighboring tables, but go ahead & eavesdrop on neighboring tables. Just not ours. 

3. CHEMISTRY

Like love, a great writing group has to have chemistry. This isn’t something you can really know until you try a group out & see if you have that “je ne sais quoi”. I have tried two other writing groups besides my magical combination of Rachel, Meagan & I. The other ones verged on miserable. But don’t give up.

Because, like love, you might get the perfect match on the first try, but most of us have to search around a little bit before you find your soul mate.

4. LIKE-MINDED INDIVIDUALS

Notice I didn’t say people who are “like” you. Or people who are writing the same thing as you. But people who are “like-minded”. My writing group is half therapy session/half writing. Because we have some similar experiences we can vent about what’s hard/craptastic/lame in life, get it out of our system and out of our brains. That, my friends, makes space for the onslaught of creativity, tinged with insanity that is writing. We are also in similar places writing-wise. Well, not so much me, but I am content with riding the coattails of my more brilliant counterparts for a bit.

And, what I believe is the most important step to finding a writing group is to….

5. WRITE

Write your little heart out. Whether you have a support system of writers yet or not. Just keep on plugging the words out. The group & the help will come eventually, but to be ready for them you must have your words down. Your heart all in. Because the biggest thing about writing is that it can be all consuming, all encompassing, all engrossing. You have to throw your chips all in. Go for broke. 

And when you find people who are ready to go for broke along with you, then you will have found that soul mate of a writing group. 

how bob ross gives me the faith to keep writing

“Art glows with faith even in its weakest parts. At every moment, writing is an act of self-confidence – the sheerest, most determined, most stubborn self-belief. You CAN have faith and doubt at the same time; the most insecure writer on the planet has faith that shines just as bright as her doubt, and she deserves props for that. It might be hidden deep, she might not feel it and you might not see it, but it’s in there, or she wouldn’t be able to write.”   - Kristin Cashore

------------------------------------------------------------------------------


friends let me tell you a little secret.

it takes a lot of courage to say i want to be a writer.

it takes even more courage to say i want to be a writer more than i want to spend time with friends, or organize that drawer, or visit a neighbor, or volunteer at the kids' school, or contribute to my family's finances. when i write, there is a list of a 1,000 other things i could be doing with those hours. i look at that list in my mind's eye every day when i sit down to write. and i have to take fresh courage every day.

do you think when bob ross set up camp in front of his canvas he said, "what will so and so think of me, wasting this time on such an unworthy pursuit?"

no. he said, "i believe we're all creators and that the joy of creation is reason enough to make something. creating brings joy to your heart. come, paint with me for an hour and see what i'm talking about."

or at least that's what i think he said. something like that.

so when i start to doubt myself, and wonder if i'm wasting the days of my life on an empty pursuit, i remember what he said.

believe that you can do it. this is your world. make happy mistakes. you can do anything. you're full of power. you're the creator.

writing wednesday: guest post by meagan

[image from the lovely etsy shop dearcatherina]

hello friends, writers and non-writers alike. today i have a guest post from one of the girls in my critique group, meagan.

meagan is the oldest of 9. she is the one that everyone goes to when they need something, the dependable one, the kind one who thinks and listens a lot before she speaks. and you guys, she totally keeps her house spotless clean ALL THE TIME! here is the amazing meagan:

-------------------------------------------------------------------


Don’t only practice your art But force your way into its secrets For it and knowledge can raise men to the divine -Ludwig Van Beethoven

When I was a little girl, I always felt lost. I knew I wanted to be something, that I wanted to do something, but I didn’t know what. Looking back on it now, I realize that what I really wanted was to write something.

I started seriously writing a few years ago. One day I sat down and decided to write a book. So I did. Then I wrote another one. I had so much fun writing that I didn’t worry too much about anything. I was just having fun. And when I began to get all those reject letters from agents I had queried, I didn’t really pay attention. Sure, it would be cool to be published. And maybe that might help justify to others that I was a serious and brilliant writer, but for the most part I just wanted to create. I wanted to write a story and I wanted those characters in my head to come to life and live all the lives that I never could. It wasn’t until I had finished my second book that fear and doubt began to set in. I realized then that I had no idea what I was up against. What if I wasn’t really a writer? What if I was wasting all my time on something that in the end would mean nothing? What was my end goal?

It was about this time that I met and fell in love with my writing group, which presently consists of Rachel and this lovely gal. It only took a few times of me sitting next to them at a Barnes and Noble café to realize that these people were my people. My writing had found a home and I knew that this was where my writing would really start to grow.

I was right. The past few years have been sort of brutal, writing wise. I’ve written the same story three different ways. I’ve written 50,000 words just to delete them and try again. And then again. I wrote an entire book and then had to walk away from it completely because it just wasn’t right. It has been hard and sometimes I yearn for those moments where the words just flow and the pictures in my head literally materialize themselves onto the screen of my computer without effort. I have days like that. Sometimes I only have moments. But a lot of the time I am working and learning. I am gathering knowledge and forcing my way in.

I think that Beethoven was absolutely right. It isn’t enough to just write. We have to unlock the mysteries of our craft. We have to give ourselves over to it and set aside all the fear and all the doubt. We have to think of every sentence we write as a gift and every deleted word as a lesson. And then we have to move forward.

So what is my end goal as a writer?

To raise men to the divine, of course. ;)

strong at the broken places

the kids are back in school and it sure is quiet around here.

and clean.

you'd think that would make it easy to write. yes, it gives me time to write—which is half the battle. easy though? well. i guess no matter where i go i still have my brain following me around. which means i'm easily distracted. [and also i have crazy brain.]

but the quiet helps a lot. i have been sitting here all morning just thinking...and sighing...typing a few words then sighing some more.

i'm thinking about the things in my life that have been hard. not just hard like running 13 miles or giving birth. hard like being pregnant 36 months of my life and throwing up all day every day. hard like being falsely accused. being shamed and feeling like i deserved it. standing alone, being misunderstood. realizing that a few of my own dreams will not come true in this life.

things that have broken me.

and i'm thinking about my character, trying to think of what will break him. because my favorite kind of story is one where the protagonist becomes strong in his broken places. i hope the story i'm writing, as well as the one i'm living has that same character arc.

strong at the broken places.

of wishes and writing

trying a new thing on the blog—hopefully something that will last a long while—my first guest post.

i'm so pleased to introduce you to my friend brook, who has been a writer since i've known her, and has just started on her first novel project. brook is an herbalist, nutritionist, reader, and the person i go to when when i need wisdom to face my own challenges. when i first met her, i felt like it was a reacquainting, because i'm certain i knew her before this earth life. she is really one of my soul mates and i'm so happy to be able to share her with the rest of you.

here are her words on beginning.

a friend said, "try."


and i looked at the keyboard and wondered.

i had always said i would.

and i ached at the lost time since my declaration.



and i wondered. . .

could i give myself permission to daydream?

to wish?

to begin?

to steal out of the covers early in the morning to commune with my characters?

and sit out on the porch at night, while everyone was sleeping and listen. to listen to the sounds of my story. working in the sound of the crickets and the breeze?



to feel?

connect?

and take bits and parts of myself.

and all the things i love.

and weave them together in that just right paragraph that begs to be read again and again?



and so i combated the daily "not nows" and the bigger "not yets" and the nasty "not good enoughs"

and wrote.

and i settled down in to it.

and let myself feel.

joy.

and pain.

and as I wrote I began to feel me.

bits and pieces floating up to the surface.

and i wrote them down.

and i cried and sighed and felt and believed in these characters and this story.



and in these stolen moments

i wasn't a mother.

or wife.

or daughter.

or neighbor.



i was just me.

selfishly, completely, wonderfully me.



and yet all those rich experiences came through as i wrote but I tied them together in my own creation. molding them. turning them round to inspect.



and i began to assemble. . .

pictures.

songs.

notes scribbled on tiny pages, church announcements, to-do lists, and brightly colored birthday card envelopes.



i felt myself opening.



creating a space.

for me.

my voice.

a story only i could tell.



writing the book i wanted to read

the book that had this without the that.

and that without the this.

and the this and this and this that made me clap and rush to write it down,
eager to get to the end of the story, as if I was reading it, instead of writing it.



and then I battled the “not yets” and “not enoughs”again and made myself brave

and sent a little bit out

to share with a friend.

and waited.

nervous.

scared.

was it amateur?

cliche?

clumsy?



i read it again to see.



and realized, it spoke to me.

a story

full of wishes

and heartbreak

and imperfections.



but it was there, pages and pages.



because someone whispered, "try."

Writing Daily

How great is this poster designed by Giovanni Pintori?

“Write every day!”

I can't tell you how many different sources I've heard say the same thing. Why? Because of what Phillip Pullman says:

One of the hardest things to do with a novel is to stop writing it for a while, do something else, fulfill this engagement or that commitment or whatever, and pick it up exactly where you left it and carry on as if nothing had happened. You will have changed; the story will have drifted off course, like a ship when the engines stop and there’s no anchor to keep it in place; when you get back on board, you have to warm the engines up, start the great bulk of the ship moving through the water again, work out your position, check the compass bearing, steer carefully to bring it back on track … all that energy wasted on doing something that wouldn’t have been necessary at all if you’d just kept going!

I have to admit, when I first read that, I was in the midst of writing my first novel. I still hadn't learned the art of protecting my writing time, or setting personal boundaries. I had to learn to make it clear to the lovelies in my life that:

(a) no, I was not crazy for wanting to write; I felt a fiery, passionate burning to do this; writing is work too, something I love and part of what makes me feel filled and complete,

and

(b) writing was going to be a HIGH priority, like maybe number 3 after faith and family—meaning that everything else would have to be fit in IF there was time.

Sooooo. Daily writing. I have a goal for August. The goal is:

WRITE EVERY DAY.

Will you join me? If you're not a writer, is there something you'd like to be doing daily? Maybe exercise, or keeping your sink clean, or writing in a gratitude journal, or meditating, or eating raw vegetables. Let me know what you plan to do daily this month and we'll help cheer each other along.

Don't know what to write about? Check out Laurie Halse Anderson's posts about her Write 15 Minutes A Day program. There are some excellent writing prompts and advice.

Need a push to develop the discipline for daily writing? Chris Brogan has some great tips.


“Writing is a marathon of the spirit. Don't give up.” - Stuart Cohen

Time to put one word in front of the other.

When Someone You Know Is Writing a Novel

Chances are, you may know someone who has mentioned in passing that they are writing a book. Chances are high, if you're reading this blog, that that person is me.

Since I started writing in 2007, I've learned a lot about the way the publishing industry works, a lot about how other authors work, and a lot about what those things mean to my own writer soul.

I've also learned that sometimes other people don't really know a lot about the process. Or maybe you're just curious.

Well. Lucky for you, I'm here to let you in on a few things. Perhaps a better title for this post would have been What Not To Say When Someone You Know Is Writing A Novel. Here are a few things that people have actually said to me when the subject of writing comes up.

"So, you're writing about vampires?"
Uh, no. Often, when someone first learns I'm writing, they will want to know if I'm either writing the next Twilight, or the next Harry Potter. I'm actually writing about a recovering heroin addict who's chosen as his town's annual sacrifice when he returns after a two-year absence, but thanks for asking.

"So, you're going to make us all rich!"
Again, no. The average amount a first-time author makes on their first novel is between $6,000 to $10,000. Shannon Hale, a favorite author of mine, posted more about it here. I actually have a higher chance of becoming a millionaire by winning the lottery than I do through publishing my novel. And you know you're really a writer when this fact doesn't stop you from writing your story anyway. Even if I knew I'd never make a cent, I'd still be writing what I am. It's the joy in creation, the feeling that I am the only person in the world who could tell the story I'm writing that finds me in my chair at the keyboard every day.

"Your life revolves around books."
I know, isn't it great? (That was my response to the first person who said that to me. I've since formulated a better answer, since people keep saying this to me in a concerned way, with the same tone of voice you'd use when holding an intervention for a drug-using loved one.) Do you say to your tax accountant friend "Your life revolves around taxes and numbers?" Or to the grocery store clerk "Your life revolves around produce?" No. It's their work, it's what they do. Writing is the same. For me, it's a part-time job, but many authors write full time, 8 hours a day.

"Your life revolves around your friends."
I know, I have the best friends! Writing can be a lonely pursuit, and sometimes you need others to keep you on course, or to talk out a plot knot, or critique your horrible first draft, or to provide therapy when the rest of life is hard to deal with. I have a writing group that meets once a week. We don't sit and write when we meet, we can do that all by ourselves! We do all those other things, and for me, it is absolutely vital to my writing. While my life outside of writing is very full, and I disagree with the fact that my life revolves around my friends, I will say that my WRITING revolves around my friends, who happen to be co-workers, so to speak. SO many of you read early drafts of my first novel and gave me valuable feedback. And the girls in my critique group have saved my life a time or two. I would not be without the help of Meagan or Olivia. Period.

"Are you finished with your book yet?" or "I thought you finished that."
Remember how I said, a few paragraphs earlier that I am a part-time writer? And even famous authors who write full time and don't have kids or a volunteer job with their church, or a garden, or cook all their meals from scratch, or eighteen loads of laundry to do can't write a book faster than about a year. So if it takes me three years to write my first one, and a year and a half to write the second one then I am doing just fine. Also, and I'm confident this is true for most authors, each book will go through many, many revisions and drafts before it feels finished. Neither of my books feel like they're at that point yet.

"So, you're going to send your book to Rand McNally to be published?"
Um, you know Rand McNally publishes ATLASES, right? This is how the publishing industry really works, in general. Step 1: write your book. Revise, repeat until it's the best you can do. Step 2: submit query letter to agents until one agrees to represent you. Step 3: work with your agent to revise your novel until it's the best it can be. Step 4: your agent submits your novel to editors at publishing houses. Step 5: your novel is accepted at a publisher and will be an actual book in about 18 months.

"I can't wait to read your book!"
Actually, you probably should. My current novel is not going to be a book for everyone. I think a large number of my acquaintances will find it offensive. And that is okay with me. What I'm trying to write is emotional truth, and sometimes that means writing ugly things. Hopefully, if I can do it right, including the bitter will make the ending—the long-awaited redemption—that much more sweet. For there must needs be an opposition in all things.

Any other writing related questions? I'd be happy to answer them in the comments.

writing music

here's a great playlist for a summer road trip or a morning walk. me, i've been writing to this music for a while now, and i really love these songs. when i'm brainstorming or writing, i like a song that makes me think, or gives me some insight into a character's personality, or sets the mood, or maybe even makes me stop short and feel something i've been needing to.

i've left off some songs that you're probably already listening to and tried to include the stuff you might have missed.

if you're interested in the playlist, email me as usual.

1. Lost In The Light  |  Bahamas
2. Take A Walk  |  Passion Pit
3. Walking Far From Home  |  Iron & Wine
4. Is It Done  |  J Mascis
5. Vultures  |  Jess Mills
6. Twigs And Stones  |  Siskiyou
7. Red Red Rose (Demo)  |  The Weepies
8. Ho Hey  |  The Lumineers
9. Until We Bleed (With Lykke Li)  |  Kleerup
10. Get Gone  |  White Arrows
11. Crystalfilm  |  Little Dragon
12. Safer Than Love  |  Bell X1
13. Shake It Out  |  Florence And The Machine
14. Walk Away  |  Luminaires
15. Feeling Without Touching  |  Glass Candy
16. Will Do  |  TV On The Radio
17. The Myth Of Youth  |  Geographer
18. Just Breathe  |  Pearl Jam
19. Cut It Out  |  Kitten
20. In the Dark Unknown  |  Holcombe Waller

the blog post of many, many things (a.k.a. procrastinating writing my novel)

1. i am doing NaNoWriMo this month. i've added a word count progress bar on the right side of my blog. hoping to type 50,000 words by the end of the month. wish me luck.

2. how to host a spooky spa party for younger daughter's 8th birthday: when elder daughter asks if her friends can come over, say do they want to help with a party? also, invite your brother and his girlfriend. then have everyone else do ALL THE WORK.

3. daylight saving time unfolds a bit like the FORTUNATELY, UNFORTUNATELY children's book. fortunately, all my kids were in bed by 7pm the last two nights. unfortunately, they all woke up at 6am. fortunately, it's light outside when elder daughter walks to the bus stop. unfortunately, it's dark before dinner. fortunately, we got an extra hour of sleep on saturday night. unfortunately church still starts at 9am. i think the practice should be abolished along with the incorrect use of the apostrophe.

4. will someone please buy the man who runs at 5am at the american fork rec center track some new pants? he's worn the same ones everyday for the past five years—which wouldn't be so bad except they're about 4 sizes too small, and pulled up at least 4 inches too high, showing an unsightly chunk of hairy white ankle and not leaving anything to the imagination in his nether regions. maybe he wouldn't breathe so loudly if he had a pair that fit better. no one should have to deal with this at 5am.

5. younger daughter's baptism day was one of the happiest of my life for many, many reasons. i might have taken more pictures had i not been deathly ill. i think when my head cold clears, i'd like to blog more coherently and deeply about it.

truth in fiction

a friend of mine [oh, hi, jenni] just asked her blog readers what our opinions were on age recommendations as a part of a book review.

and it immediately got me thinking about a related subject. how much darkness is okay in a novel? how many bad words? how much sexual innuendo or content? consider the following:

-we read A THOUSAND SPLENDID SUNS in my neighborhood book group and a few of the ladies took offense at the ugliness in the novel and suggested we should only read books published by DESERET BOOK.

-another friend brought back a few books i had loaned to her and said she just couldn't finish them because of the language in them. books i love. a friend i love.

-i told casey anne (who is 12) that she couldn't read a book because of the content until she was older.

-consider this excerpt from NORTHERN LIGHT by jennifer donnelly:

"it seems to me that there are books that tell stories, and then there are books that tell truths...the first kind makes you cheerful and contented, but the second kind shakes you up...why do writers make things sugary when life isn't that way...why don't they tell the truth? why don't they tell how a pigpen looks after the sow's eaten her own children? or how it is for a girl when her baby won't come out? or that cancer has a smell to it?...why doesn't anyone tell you that?"

my first novel is the sugary kind. in my current project, i am attempting to tell truths. MY truths. the emotional truth of addiction and prodigality and shame. and there is drug abuse and swearing and ugliness. and i've wondered why i have that all inside of me and why i feel a compulsion to write it down. because i also believe this:

everything we read stays with us, effects the level to which we can recognize and respond to the spirit. when we spend our time with filth, we lose that precious influence. i think this is a good and valid reason for censoring what we read and what our children read.

HOWEVER—and this is a huge however—i think the written word is at its most powerful when it contains truth. and how can you show the power of redemption, of forgiveness, the triumph over darkness and the beauty of returning to the light if there was no mistake made? no darkness followed into? no pigpen mired in? what power would the parable of the prodigal son have been with no prodigal and only the faithful son that stayed home at his father's side?

my favorite books will always contain a bit of that darkness, a bit of that rawness and grittiness because it makes the resolution that much more bright and beautiful. and to me, true.

oh, HELLO.

It's a sad story with a happy ending.

School started, I had scheduled, uninterrupted writing time everyday, and the blog fell by the wayside. Writing my new work-in-progress has been emotional, spiritual, and such a different experience than writing DYING LIGHT. The process has left me feeling vulnerable, exposed, and one hundred per cent sure that I am meant to be writing this. (And I've only written the first five chapters or so.)

Since my last post I've had an emotional breakdown (which happened, embarrassingly during writer's group at the Barnes and Noble cafe, right next to the knitting group), a bout of weird depression in which I woke up crying from my dreams all night long, and a recommitment to living a spiritual life dedicated to doing what the Lord wants me to do, and not the things I want to do (though on my best days these are the same thing). I don't think it's coincidental.

And the happy ending? I hope to be blogging more frequently. Here's a playlist that I have on repeat over and over. I know I've already shared some of these songs, but so what. They're awesome and I'm reminding you of them. I'm happy to share, if you email me.

Also, if you haven't already purchased Ben Howard's album on Amazon, you should do it now.

1. Old Pine / Ben Howard
2. London [Live on the Thames] / Ben Howard
3. Gracious / Ben Howard
4. Half Moon / Blind Pilot
5. Tonight Is The Kind Of Night / Noah & The Whale
6. Right Before My Eyes / Cage The Elephant
7. Out Go The Lights / Spoon
8. I Turn My Camera / Spoon
9. You, Me, & the Boatman / Quiet Company
10. Fairytale Lullaby / Bombay Bicycle Club
11. Rinse Me Down / Bombay Bicycle Club
12. Shuffle / Bombay Bicycle Club
13. Lights Out, Words Gone / Bombay Bicycle Club
14. OK Pal / M83
15. 1957 / Milo Greene
16. See You / Benjamin Francis Leftwich
17. Dont Stop (Color On The Walls) / Foster The People
18. Pumped Up Kicks / Foster The People
19. Helena Beat / Foster The People
20. If You / I Dream In Colour
21. Punching In A Dream / Naked and Famous
22. Block After Block / Matt & Kim
23. The A Team / Ed Sheeran
24. Fresh Blood / Eels
25. Milk Honey / Beatsteaks
26. Cheap Comments / Beatsteaks
27. Crystalfilm / Little Dragon
28. Until We Bleed (With Lykke Li) / Kleerup
29. Vultures / Jess Mills
30. Sail / Awolnation
31. A Real Hero (Feat. Electric Youth) / Drive College
32. Pouring Rain At Dawn / Jayhawks
33. Santa Fe / Beirut
34. Lost In My Mind / The Head And The Heart
35. Winter Song / The Head And The Heart

gratitude day 22: revision

"funny that hurts" by brandi strickland

i spent two days this week in downtown salt lake city, away from family and friends and other responsibilities revising my novel. and guess what? i love revising! i was able to get more done in those two days of uninterrupted time than i have in all the past 3 months of working on it. something about immersing myself in the story for a longer stretch of time helped me to see the whole picture in my head and discover ways i might make a good story great.

if it weren't for revising, i couldn't be a writer. it would be too depressing to look at my first draft and know it was good but not quite good enough. revisions for me are the fun, joyous part of writing.

and all this revision and chipping away and rewriting and rewriting a scene again and again until it is the best that i can create got me thinking. [it's another writerly trait i have, this tendency towards thinking and pondering].

about revisions in life. about how we have a lifetime to revise ourselves, a lifetime to work on becoming the person we want to be. a lifetime to develop virtues and character traits that make us great.

there are only a few certain things in life: we will die. we will pay taxes. and we will make mistakes. and that's fine because the next minute, the next hour, the next day or year we have the chance to try again, to do better.

until we are better.

so here's to a lifetime of revisions, friends! and a big, GIANT thank you to mr. coleman for making my magical retreat possible: financing, child care, moral support, late-night texts, house cleaning and all. i realize i am a blessed girl.

gratitude day 17: WIFYR

Oh man.

How does one sum up the week that I had? Being in Holly Black's fantasy class at WIFYR writing conference was terrifying, enlightening, exhausting, informative, and most importantly...

hysterical.

Holly cracked jokes about herself, about her mistakes as a writer, about the Church of Satan (surprisingly helpful to understanding the villains in my story), and especially about our manuscripts, all while wearing the most fantastic shoes. I wish I'd ignored my inhibitions and snapped pictures of them every day.

I will be a better critique partner because of Holly and the rest of my fantasy class.

And I'm thinking about my manuscript in a whole new way. That's the terrifying part.

I'm so grateful for Olivia, one of my critique partners, for going through this with me, despite being deathly ill. [I hope you don't mind that I posted this adorable picture of you.] Having her with me made the scary bearable. And infinitely more fun!

[And we sorely missed our other partner-in-crime, Meagan. I predict our next writer's group will be an in-depth analysis of the entire week.]

I admit, I had a moment pulling up to my house at the end of the week in which I thought: I never want to look, hear, or think about writing, or books, or agents, or queries, or plots, or EMOTIONAL LOGIC, ever, ever again. It was a hard week, as I had expected it would be, because it put into focus every writing flaw I have.

Overwhelmed. Done with it. That's how I felt by the end of it all.

But guess what I did when I woke up this morning? Pulled out all the critiques and began making plans for another revision. A huge, sweeping, drastic revision.

Because I am crazy. And because I am, in the fleshy tables of my heart, still a writer.

gratitude day 16: life

I am grateful to be alive. Are you? Here's a quick snapshot of my life, this week.

1. I am two weeks away from my writer's conference wherein my novel will be critiqued by HOLLY BLACK. [Typing her name, the rhyming phrase "spaz attack" comes to mind. Not a coincidence]. My adult ADD brain is having a hard time focusing on anything else. I WILL finish this round of revisions before then, because I do what I say and I said what I meant.

2. Markus Zusak is now on Twitter. Now we can deepen our imaginary author/celebrity relationship. This brings me an immense amount of joy.

3. I am in love with social media. Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. It feels my social needs while allowing me to stay home, unshowered and barefoot living the dream.

4. I cannot keep up with the laundry. Or rather, I choose not to keep up with the laundry because I am revising my novel. Also, playing Angry Birds.

5. I am teaching a lesson in church this week to a group of women. My self-chosen topic: Lessons From the Garden. Any thoughts, insights?

6. My cousin passed away from a drug overdose last week. His memorial service is today. I cannot stop thinking of the email my mom sent to me and the thought she shared: Life is precious.

Life is precious.

Are you living your dream? Do your loved ones know you love them? Have a beautiful day, friends. You are here, you are alive, and you only get one shot. Make it count.

gratitude day 15: office

welcome to my author office. i am taking a break from the throes of revising DYING LIGHT* to let you in on 8 of my favorite writerly tools for writing/living dangerously.

8. down duvet. because this writer can't perform with cold feet.

7. netbook. which doesn't have enough memory/big enough screen to search the internet properly, thus discouraging lengthy sessions of online "research".

6. notebook. wherein i write Very Important Things that i don't want to forget.

5. critiqued copies of my novel. otherwise know as The Only Reason My Book Will Not Be A Total Pile of Crap.

4. thesaurus. second only to my beta readers, this is my best writing friend. sometimes i just flip through it, reading words at random, and don't you know...the ideas just come. if i'm ever a published writer and someone asks me where my ideas come from, i have my answer: ROGET'S 21ST CENTURY THESAURUS IN DICTIONARY FORMAT.

3. snow and graham desk calendar. in case i forget what day it is (or what year, or what world. trust me, when your brain is living deep inside an imaginary world this is a lifesaver.)

2. water. known to ward off headaches and "bum enlargment".

1. prayer rock. because i need all the help i can get.

*working title. i'm open to suggestions for a better one.

gratitude day 9: work

“the privilege to work is a gift.
the power to work is a blessing.
love of work is success.”
-david o. mckay

i love my jobs. yes, that's plural.

the tax job:

i don't know if it's all the power-of-positive-thinking books i've been reading or what, but this tax season i can't stop thinking about how much i love my job preparing taxes.

i like the smell of the paper, i like looking at all the patterns on the security envelopes [just look at the above image. so fascinating]. i like that it's in my neighborhood, my schedule is flexible, there's someone there to watch lucas. easy money, friends! and the things i learn.

speaking of easy money: did you know you really can sell your eggs? i learned this after preparing the taxes of someone who did it. the price for a good egg starts at $5,000 and goes up from there. if only i'd known two years earlier. all my unused eggs could have brought in top dollar, since i have a college education, a healthy bmi, and a high i.q. only, apparently they don't want my dying and mutating 34 year-old eggs. i'm trying not to be offended.

the writing job:

writing lights my brain on fire, energizes me, fills me in a way nothing else does. and i am in such good company. i love my circle of writers, the way it is ever expanding, ever enriching. all my favorite people i have met through books or writing. i have FINALLY finished my first draft of my first novel. [thank you, thank you so much for bringing me balloons and cookies. i totally deserve it.] it is a pile of crappy words right now, but i'm counting on a few poor souls to be my first readers to help me slog through the mush and make it readable for the rest of you.

the design job:

because people say things like this about you [scroll down], and they pay you for it too. there is power in being able to create lovely things.

the piano teaching job:

i taught my last lesson yesterday. our spring recital's tomorrow. i am expecting at least a few major disasters. i will miss all the book reviews, justin bieber adulations, family secrets, junior high episodes and such that i have been privy to over the years. my kids will enjoy having me as a chauffeur in the afternoons now.

gratitude day 7: confessionals

i am grateful for confessionals.

i just finished reading a great book: THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION by brené brown. in one chapter, she explains why it is so important to share things that make us feel shameful, to own our stories, and to not run from vulnerabilities. without having heard/read it before, i have been doing this all along here on my blog with my confessionals. in brené's words:

shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story...it can't survive being shared. shame loves secrecy. when we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.

thank you, dear readers, for showing compassion and empathy when i confess here on my blog, instead of judgment, blame, or trying to "fix" my problems.

so, in the spirit of sharing, here's my latest confessional:

i confess, i am terrible at keeping all my balls up in the air. i tend to hyper-focus and then I have a hard time stopping one thing and moving on to the next. there is no moderation in my life. i spent an entire day cleaning [toothbrush scrubbing, grout-sealing, baseboard-wiping type of cleaning]. the next day i spent an entire day writing. followed by an entire night watching season 1 of grey’s anatomy on netflix. then an entire day graphic designing. only to realize I have not done the laundry all week. or read a book. or blogged about what i’m thankful for. and oops, are those the vitamins i’m supposed to take every day still sitting on the counter?

do you keep a schedule? i would love to know how you divide up your time and tasks. how much time do you spend doing housework? cooking? errand running? working? please share.

also, we are trying to buckle down on unnecessary spending. so of course, i bought the shirt you see above. because it seemed like a need to remind everyone that voltron is the defender of the universe. anyone else have a hard time distinguishing between wants and needs?

i am retiring as a piano teacher after our spring recital in march. and i cried when i typed the flyer up in which i broke the news to my students. teaching piano has been a big blessing and part of my life while my kids were little and nap-takers, but as our family has grown and changed, it’s gotten harder and harder. that afternoon time is precious. i’m trying to focus on writing and designing while the kids are at school and then make the most of the time my kids are home—spending it with them.

i have a secret love for aaron neville. can’t be explained, but i thought i should share. do you have a secret musical shame?

i may or may not have much time to blog again before tax season is over. yes, i’m doing it "one more time." one more time. i’d rather write php code than prepare taxes, but i’m doing it for the money. i will answer to the name “tax whore” until april 15.


until then, i have to finalize a few things with a fun design project i hope to be able to share with you guys soon. and, i need to finish that novel i’m always writing about [when i should just be writing it.] i’m 88,000 words in and i can see, taste, smell, hear, feel the ending. there is crying—and kissing—involved in the final scenes. also, ocean waves breaking dramatically, but no one. word. sentences.

so, if it’s quiet around here for awhile, you’ll know why.