on living my "one wild and precious life”

The Summer Day

by Mary Oliver

Who made the world?

Who made the swan, and the black bear?

Who made the grasshopper?

This grasshopper, I mean-

the one who has flung herself out of the grass,

the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,

who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-

who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.

Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.

Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.

I don't know exactly what a prayer is.

I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down

into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,

how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,

which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done?

Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

You've probably heard that I've been mysteriously ill since February, a condition I will heretofore refer to only as the Plague. No one seems to be able to figure out what's causing my symptoms or how to treat them. Basically, I feel like I have the flu most of the time. Weak. Dizzy. Nauseated. Sometimes I pass out when I stand up. Sometimes that happens at church, as I'm trying to stealthily sneak out of Gospel Doctrine to have a coughing fit in peace.

Since February, I've lost a lot of weight. As great as that sounds, I've also lost a lot of hair. Flat warts have spread all over my face. My cognitive ability has been effected as well. Which means I've had a bad case of ADD, burning dinners, forgetting children, and creating chaos. Not to mention the writer's block. It's been a horrible nine months.

And yet.

The best months of my life, too. The Plague, along with a bony bum, brittle hair and warty face, has brought me a decadent array of the richest blessings. More than I can understand or comprehend. More time for listening and being still. More time for reasoning together. More time for reading (and discovering the poet Mary Oliver, another blessing). More time pondering mortality and the purpose of my precious life. More time to hear the wind blow low and whisper through the pines and to watch dark clouds roll over  mountain peaks and more time to sit in the glow of a rainbow sherbet sunset.

More bowing and knee bending.

Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

I don't know if I'll fully recover physically. But inside, I am brand new. For now, when I wake up, I look out my window and like Mary Oliver, I say: good morning, good morning, good morning. I'm going to put my lips to the world and live my life.


Mornings at Blackwater
by Mary Oliver

For years, every morning, I drank
from Blackwater Pond.
It was flavored with oak leaves and also, no doubt,
the feet of ducks.

And always it assuaged me
from the dry bowl of the very far past.

What I want to say is
that the past is the past,
and the present is what your life is,
and you are capable
of choosing what that will be,
darling citizen.

So come to the pond,
or the river of your imagination,
or the harbor of your longing,

and put your lips to the world.
And live
your life.

gratitude day 25: casey anne

she left for her first day of junior high today, catching a ride with a friend's mom, my heart shredding in that way that mother's hearts do, over and over. i snapped a hurried photo as her friend waited in the car in our driveway.

me: nervous, crying. her: running, excited, hair curled.

i fell in love with her the moment the nurse laid her in my arms in the hospital. she was beautiful, serene, already wise. today she is calm, obedient, responsible, confident, a peace maker. and totally unafraid of the world.

i am afraid enough for both of us. thinking about her starting junior high, i've had this poem running through my head. it seems to fit her so well.

Song for a Young Girl's Puberty Ceremony

I am on my way running,

I am on my way running,

Looking toward me is the edge of the world,

I am trying to reach it,

The edge of the world does not look far away,

To that I am on my way running.

-Anonymous, Translated by Frances Densmore

gratitude day 24: burdens

[brightly colored burdens by brian kershisnik]

so many things on my mind, so hard to find the words. it's been one of those emotional, thinking-deeply kind of weeks for me.

i feel like i've reached the peak of a towering summit this summer after a grueling effort. only, once i sat down to rest i looked around and discovered that the next mountain i am required to scale looks exactly like the one i just climbed.

i am older, wiser, yes. but i have grown weary. and i have these burdens on my back—burdens with labels like “difficult relationship”, “impatient”, “unproductive”, “easily provoked”, “unwilling to forgive”. i feel like i am not up to the tasks at hand.

these burdens! i think. they are too heavy. if i were more patient, more naturally inclined to compassion and kindness then perhaps i could shoulder them. but i cannot. i cannot go on.

and then, up on that summit, i take my burdens off my back for a moment, really look at them. i notice how brightly colored they are, how brightly they shine in the sunlight. how, even though it's a strain, i can pick them up, because i am stronger than i was before. and i realize that i am grateful for that strength because i know i could not have gotten it in any other way. my burdens are brightly colored. they are beautiful.

and now, headed down the summit and onto the next one, i realize my burdens have had wheels all along. wheels with labels like “daily prayer”, “scripture study”, “temple attendance”, and “atonement”. i keep my burdens on the ground now, letting the wheels do their work, rolling down the mountain, gaining speed.

i hope i can pick up enough speed to make it at least halfway up the next peak. i can't wait to see the view from up there.

gratitude day 23: ipod

sometime around 1990 i got my first walkman. i spent hours listening to the radio, waiting for my favorite songs to come on, finger trigger-ready to hit the record button as soon as i heard the opening notes.

i made a running mixtape in high school that i ran to (the same 20 songs) until mr. coleman bought me a discman in 1997. then i burned most of the same songs onto a cd and continued running to them. can you believe i ran to the same 20 songs for 10 years?

pictured above is my first ipod, a second generation ipod nano, and the one i now use for running. it appears to be on the fritz, which is making me weepy.

cute, light, friendly little ipod nano: do not die on me. we have weathered the storms of life together.

the technology for the ipod is fascinating and a blessing i'm grateful for every day. hooray for apple and their brilliant inventors and industrial designers! huzzah for mp3s!

now, i'm still running to some of those same songs. crazy, i know, like pavlov's dogs, i feel like running every time i hear some of them; i just can't quit them.

i do enjoy finding new running music. my favorite source for new discoveries is the music section of the nike plus website. they have a new suggestion every week in several genres. of course, i love me some indie music.

and now for you all, a playlist with old and new favorites: (i always start my runs out with the first song. these words are a great way to start out a day: "today is the greatest day i've ever known")

old:

today / smashing pumpkins

i want you back / the jackson 5

up around the bend / creedence clearwater revival

a little respect / erasure

don't go / yaz

rag doll / aerosmith

friday i'm in love / the cure

remember you / skid row

new:

make some noise / beastie boys

captive / sarah harmer

burning / whitest boy alive

running with the wolves / cloud cult

giving up the gun / vampire weekend

techno fan / wombats

under cover of darkness / the strokes

block after block / matt & kim

am/fm sound / matt & kim

repatriated / handsome furs

shoelaces / the submarines

colours run / bear driver

we don't want your body / stars

the passenger / stars

i melt with you (modern english cover) / the coastals

sadie hawkins day / yip deceiver

as usual, let me know if you'd like a mixtape...then pay for the music if you love it.

gratitude day 22: revision

"funny that hurts" by brandi strickland

i spent two days this week in downtown salt lake city, away from family and friends and other responsibilities revising my novel. and guess what? i love revising! i was able to get more done in those two days of uninterrupted time than i have in all the past 3 months of working on it. something about immersing myself in the story for a longer stretch of time helped me to see the whole picture in my head and discover ways i might make a good story great.

if it weren't for revising, i couldn't be a writer. it would be too depressing to look at my first draft and know it was good but not quite good enough. revisions for me are the fun, joyous part of writing.

and all this revision and chipping away and rewriting and rewriting a scene again and again until it is the best that i can create got me thinking. [it's another writerly trait i have, this tendency towards thinking and pondering].

about revisions in life. about how we have a lifetime to revise ourselves, a lifetime to work on becoming the person we want to be. a lifetime to develop virtues and character traits that make us great.

there are only a few certain things in life: we will die. we will pay taxes. and we will make mistakes. and that's fine because the next minute, the next hour, the next day or year we have the chance to try again, to do better.

until we are better.

so here's to a lifetime of revisions, friends! and a big, GIANT thank you to mr. coleman for making my magical retreat possible: financing, child care, moral support, late-night texts, house cleaning and all. i realize i am a blessed girl.

gratitude day 21: summer

ah.

i love summer. lazy mornings, trips to the lake, garden produce, hours and hours of sunshine, eating outdoors, cool morning runs, flip flops, snow cones.

i am a summer girl.

here is a playlist to listen to whilst sipping a chilled beverage floating on a raft down a lazy river while bees hum decadently around summer wildflowers (or while scrubbing your kitchen floor and pretending that you are doing this). my favorite song is track #3, london, BEN HOWARD. i think this will be music week on my blog. i'm headed off right this moment for a 2-day writer's retreat, but when i get back i'll be sharing some more music and some of my favorite sources for discovering new talent.

hope you are all enjoying your summer. i am making the most of every minute. let me know if you'd like a mixtape ;-).

floating
1. you were born / cloud cult
2. you for me / terra naomi
3. london / ben howard

4. first person / jenny owen youngs

5. more than life / whitley

6. replay / pezzettino

7. wessex boy / frank turner

8. i still remember / churchill

9. before i knew / basia bulat

10. okay (henslee version) / venice is sinking

11. old pine / ben howard

12. calgary / bon iver

13. the lion and the wolf / the lion and the wolf

14. not enough (album) / j mascis

15. lost in my mind (album) / the head and the heart

16. wonder why (album) / vetiver

17. already in love / exene cervenka

18. evelyn / gregory alan isakov

19. eet / regina spektor

20. psychasthenia / william fitzsimmons

21. we're from barcelona / i'm from barcelona

22. the very thought of you / billie holiday

23. les jours de pluie / les jours de pluie

24. think you can wait / the national

25. euphoria / motopony

26. you are the ocean and im good at drowning / phantogram

27. landfill / daughter

28. flaws / bombay bicycle club

29. low rising / swell season

30. middle distance runner / sea wolf

31. three tree town / ben howard

32. trouble / ray lamontagne

33. to build a home / the cinematic orchestra

34. strawberry swing / coldplay

gratitude day 20: family vacation

it's been a long time since we took a family trip all together. this one was practically perfect. a quick trip to yuba lake for 2 days. wakeboarding, tubing, boating, playing in sand, watching movies on the ipad, sleeping on the boat, laughing with old friends.

making memories.

gratitude day 19: siblings

readers: please meet all my siblings, from oldest to youngest, left to right [minus my older sister emily, who i left a space for next to me in this photo. i missed her a lot this past week.] me, ryan, anna, angela, steven, daniel, james, lilly

“To the outside world, we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.” ~Clara Ortega

“Children of the same family, the same blood, with the same first associations and habits, have some means of enjoyment in their power, which no subsequent connections can supply...” ~Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

the melzer family just wrapped up a family reunion. 10 days of a house full of noise, commotion, stuff, and people i love best in the world. [20 guests!] it seems so quiet around here—quiet enough for reflection.

and here's what i believe about families, about my family. we chose each other, in a pre-earth life. we were organized and placed in a unit where we could learn and grow best. we were put together because a loving heavenly father knew each of our strengths and weaknesses and knew that together we could do it. together, with each other's help we could become the people we were supposed to be.

to my brothers and sisters: remember summers in idaho picking wild huckleberries? remember trips to lake powell? remember collecting locust skins in jars? remember when we moved to san diego, the beach and having a sand volleyball court in our back yard? remember when we moved to snowflake on friday the 13th? remember when we found out mom was pregnant with lilly? when dad lost his job? when steven went to rehab? when he relapsed? remember when don and i were sealed in the temple? and ryan, and anna and angela? remember when you all drove to utah for a family reunion? i do. and i miss you all already.

since i've been small, i've started out my prayers by saying “i'm thankful for my mom and dad, and my brothers and sisters.” and it's never felt like a vain repetition. and there's a reason i always say it first.

i am so grateful for my family.

i feel like every good thing about me is because of them. every experience i've had with them has shaped me in almost immeasurable ways. when we are together, i feel closer to my true self than with anyone else. i am happy, joyful.

we have shared rooms, vacationed together, ate together, fought together, laughed together, grieved together, prayed together.

and i love them all.

gratitude day 18: A father's love

I found it funny that when I posted a picture of my mother several posts back, some of you mentioned I look like her. I think I got all of my dad's physical genes, and most of his personality genes, too.

I think of these characteristics as the "german genes". I have his teeth [no cavities, yay!], his hair color, his physical build [no calf muscles], and his chin dimple. I once thought that I was as smart as him, but then we played a game of Trivial Pursuit and he put us all to shame. He knew every single answer but one. Every answer!

Also, I have inherited his trait of interrupting. And his debating skills. Sorry friends who have to communicate with me in real life. I am my father's daughter.

Thank you, Dad for being the hardest working man I know. Thank you for teaching me how to drive—that must have been really scary. Thank you for providing for me and trying your best to protect me. I wish I would have listened to you more. You always warned me and then stepped back to let me make my own choices.

Thank you, Dad for teaching me about the power of a father's love. Because of your example of unconditional love, I gained a greater understanding for the love my Heavenly Father has for me. I love you! Happy Father's Day.

gratitude day 17: WIFYR

Oh man.

How does one sum up the week that I had? Being in Holly Black's fantasy class at WIFYR writing conference was terrifying, enlightening, exhausting, informative, and most importantly...

hysterical.

Holly cracked jokes about herself, about her mistakes as a writer, about the Church of Satan (surprisingly helpful to understanding the villains in my story), and especially about our manuscripts, all while wearing the most fantastic shoes. I wish I'd ignored my inhibitions and snapped pictures of them every day.

I will be a better critique partner because of Holly and the rest of my fantasy class.

And I'm thinking about my manuscript in a whole new way. That's the terrifying part.

I'm so grateful for Olivia, one of my critique partners, for going through this with me, despite being deathly ill. [I hope you don't mind that I posted this adorable picture of you.] Having her with me made the scary bearable. And infinitely more fun!

[And we sorely missed our other partner-in-crime, Meagan. I predict our next writer's group will be an in-depth analysis of the entire week.]

I admit, I had a moment pulling up to my house at the end of the week in which I thought: I never want to look, hear, or think about writing, or books, or agents, or queries, or plots, or EMOTIONAL LOGIC, ever, ever again. It was a hard week, as I had expected it would be, because it put into focus every writing flaw I have.

Overwhelmed. Done with it. That's how I felt by the end of it all.

But guess what I did when I woke up this morning? Pulled out all the critiques and began making plans for another revision. A huge, sweeping, drastic revision.

Because I am crazy. And because I am, in the fleshy tables of my heart, still a writer.

gratitude day 16: life

I am grateful to be alive. Are you? Here's a quick snapshot of my life, this week.

1. I am two weeks away from my writer's conference wherein my novel will be critiqued by HOLLY BLACK. [Typing her name, the rhyming phrase "spaz attack" comes to mind. Not a coincidence]. My adult ADD brain is having a hard time focusing on anything else. I WILL finish this round of revisions before then, because I do what I say and I said what I meant.

2. Markus Zusak is now on Twitter. Now we can deepen our imaginary author/celebrity relationship. This brings me an immense amount of joy.

3. I am in love with social media. Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. It feels my social needs while allowing me to stay home, unshowered and barefoot living the dream.

4. I cannot keep up with the laundry. Or rather, I choose not to keep up with the laundry because I am revising my novel. Also, playing Angry Birds.

5. I am teaching a lesson in church this week to a group of women. My self-chosen topic: Lessons From the Garden. Any thoughts, insights?

6. My cousin passed away from a drug overdose last week. His memorial service is today. I cannot stop thinking of the email my mom sent to me and the thought she shared: Life is precious.

Life is precious.

Are you living your dream? Do your loved ones know you love them? Have a beautiful day, friends. You are here, you are alive, and you only get one shot. Make it count.

gratitude day 15: office

welcome to my author office. i am taking a break from the throes of revising DYING LIGHT* to let you in on 8 of my favorite writerly tools for writing/living dangerously.

8. down duvet. because this writer can't perform with cold feet.

7. netbook. which doesn't have enough memory/big enough screen to search the internet properly, thus discouraging lengthy sessions of online "research".

6. notebook. wherein i write Very Important Things that i don't want to forget.

5. critiqued copies of my novel. otherwise know as The Only Reason My Book Will Not Be A Total Pile of Crap.

4. thesaurus. second only to my beta readers, this is my best writing friend. sometimes i just flip through it, reading words at random, and don't you know...the ideas just come. if i'm ever a published writer and someone asks me where my ideas come from, i have my answer: ROGET'S 21ST CENTURY THESAURUS IN DICTIONARY FORMAT.

3. snow and graham desk calendar. in case i forget what day it is (or what year, or what world. trust me, when your brain is living deep inside an imaginary world this is a lifesaver.)

2. water. known to ward off headaches and "bum enlargment".

1. prayer rock. because i need all the help i can get.

*working title. i'm open to suggestions for a better one.

gratitude day 14: miracles

{photo of and by my lovely sister}

last night i saw my mother-in-law riding down the street on her new purple birthday bike. we honked and she waved, a giant windmill of a wave.

and smiled.

i watched joy spread across her face. watched her hair blown back by the wind. she was a six year-old little girl. and it stopped me short.

in that moment i saw a lifetime of sorrow, abuse, silent treatments, and crushing disappointments float away from her.

and right now, my brother steven is in my front yard, tossing a football with micah. sober. alive. heroin-free since october.

this is what i know, what i have witnessed time and again: miracles happen all the time. there is no sorrow, no injustice, no wound, no atrocity that will not be made right in due time.

and god shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. -revelations 21:4

gratitude day 13: mom

"It is interesting that today, decades later, when life seems particularly overwhelming or frightening or just downright scary, I call Mother and listen for her to say, “Sheri, you can do it.” A mother’s influence not only spans decade, it reaches into the eternities." -Sheri Dew

During my last trip home to Arizona, I was crying because someone didn't like me.* In the midst of my carrying on, mom walked over to me, kissed the top of my head, and said, "Rachel, I love you and know you are wonderful." And just like that I felt okay—like I was three years-old with a scrape on my knee and I needed my mom to kiss it better.

My mom is a calligrapher, water color painter, cook, nurturer, the life of the party.

Matriarch.

I love her. I am so grateful to have her as a mother. How did she survive me?

*It's a long story, in which I acted like I was in junior high and my mother loved me anyway.

gratitude day 12: cold

in light of the 6 inches of snow we received last night, here are the top ten most awesome things about living in a place that is nose-hair-freezing cold until may.*

10. views at your daughter's soccer game that look suspiciously like a bob ross painting.

9. no worries about the frozen mangos melting in the back of your car on errand day.

8. no need for ice baths—as recommended by timothy ferriss, author of THE FOUR-HOUR BODY**—to lose weight. you're already shivering cold. all the time.

7. playing in the snow when your sister comes to visit for spring break. how many people who went to a florida beach can say they did that? huh?

6. snow heads. see third picture down. i found this on my back deck today, courtesy of lucas.

5. seeing your cute niece, hazel, wearing emma's hand-me-down fleece hoodie.

4. endless cups of hot chocolate. in our case, cocoa mojo.

3. and endless baths.

2. plenty of time to prepare to plant your garden. plenty of time.

1. no need to imagine the norwegian scenery in your novel, or how a girl raised next to a citrus grove would feel about her first winter there.*** all you need to do is step outside. and look at that last picture.

*this entire post might be a lie. it's possible i spent the whole day dreaming of shorts, popsicles, and lounging on a sun-warmed deck, poolside and not being grateful AT ALL for the cold.

**this book is insane. like, seriously bat crap crazy. and offensive. i think a man who writes about his sexual escapades, describing the women involved as sexual experiments and needs clinical drawings to explain how to pleasure a woman, needs more than four hours to find "incredible sex." incredible sex is found through love, commitment, forgiveness, respect, and keeping sacred things sacred. just sayin' tim. you couldn't have missed the mark more.

***this is a bit spoilery for my novel i'm revising, but look at that castle picture again! doesn't that make you want to write a fairy tale? or take a trip to bavaria where your ancestors are from? no? that's just me? oh, okay.

gratitude day 10: clean

welcome back, self! hello friends! it's wonderful to be blogging again. so many things on my mind, but first things first. i must whip this messy house into submission with some serious spring cleaning. and to that of course i need a good spring cleaning playlist. which i share with you below. leave a comment if you'd like me to hook you up with some motivational music, friends. i love to share. [here, at my house, the daffodils are just now opening up. happy yellow promises of warmer days to come.]

i love a clean house. i love a clean body. i love a clean manuscript. i love a clean mind and a clean spirit. i am dedicating this week to cleaning of all sorts of things that have been neglected during tax season.

here's my playlist. is there any essential tunes you'd add? let me know!

Take Ya Dancin - Say Hi
Something Good Can Work - Two Door Cinema Club
Lazy Eye - Silversun Pickups
Home - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. - Noah & The Whale
Eyes As Candles - Passion Pit
Rolling In The Deep - Adele
All Of This - Naked and Famous
I Didn't See It Coming - Belle & Sebastian
Black & Blue - Miike Snow
Superhuman Touch - Athlete
Sleepyhead - Passion Pit
Hock It - The Blow
Ahead Of My Time (Feat. Daddy Boastin') - Teddybears
Animal - Neon Trees
Blue Skies Again - Jessica Lea Mayfield
Punching In A Dream - Naked and Famous
I Wanna Be Sedated - Ramones
Blister In The Sun - Violent Femmes
Starry Eyed - Ellie Goulding
Architects And Engineers - Guster
Shape Of My Heart - Noah & The Whale
Let's Go Surfing - The Drums
Good To Sea - Pinback
Young Blood - Naked and Famous
Different Sound (Feat. Malte) - Teddybears

This Is The Life - Two Door Cinema Club
Little Secrets - Passion Pit
Race You - Elizabeth & The Catapult
Skippin' Town - The Drums
5 Years Time - Noah & The Whale
Animal - Miike Snow
Middle Distance Runner - Sea Wolf

gratitude day 9: work

“the privilege to work is a gift.
the power to work is a blessing.
love of work is success.”
-david o. mckay

i love my jobs. yes, that's plural.

the tax job:

i don't know if it's all the power-of-positive-thinking books i've been reading or what, but this tax season i can't stop thinking about how much i love my job preparing taxes.

i like the smell of the paper, i like looking at all the patterns on the security envelopes [just look at the above image. so fascinating]. i like that it's in my neighborhood, my schedule is flexible, there's someone there to watch lucas. easy money, friends! and the things i learn.

speaking of easy money: did you know you really can sell your eggs? i learned this after preparing the taxes of someone who did it. the price for a good egg starts at $5,000 and goes up from there. if only i'd known two years earlier. all my unused eggs could have brought in top dollar, since i have a college education, a healthy bmi, and a high i.q. only, apparently they don't want my dying and mutating 34 year-old eggs. i'm trying not to be offended.

the writing job:

writing lights my brain on fire, energizes me, fills me in a way nothing else does. and i am in such good company. i love my circle of writers, the way it is ever expanding, ever enriching. all my favorite people i have met through books or writing. i have FINALLY finished my first draft of my first novel. [thank you, thank you so much for bringing me balloons and cookies. i totally deserve it.] it is a pile of crappy words right now, but i'm counting on a few poor souls to be my first readers to help me slog through the mush and make it readable for the rest of you.

the design job:

because people say things like this about you [scroll down], and they pay you for it too. there is power in being able to create lovely things.

the piano teaching job:

i taught my last lesson yesterday. our spring recital's tomorrow. i am expecting at least a few major disasters. i will miss all the book reviews, justin bieber adulations, family secrets, junior high episodes and such that i have been privy to over the years. my kids will enjoy having me as a chauffeur in the afternoons now.

gratitude day 8: motherhood

women hold up half the sky -chinese proverb

"study after study has taught us, there is no tool more effective than the empowerment of women." -kofi annan, former secretary general for the united nations

"i have said lately that women are like lionesses at the gate of the home. whatever happens in that home and family happens because she cares about it and it matters to her. she guards that gate, and things matter to that family if they matter to her. for example, if the lioness at the gate believes in the law of tithing, tithing will be paid in that family. if that family has a humble little portion of ten pesos coming in, that lioness will safeguard the one peso if tithing is important to her. if that lioness at the gate knows about renewing her baptismal covenants with god, she will be in sacrament meeting on sunday, and she will prepare her children to be there. they will be washed, cleaned, combed, and taught about that meeting and what happens there. it isn’t a casual event, but it is serious to her, and it will be serious to them. the lioness at the gate ensures that temple worship is taken care of in the family. she encourages that participation... service happens if she cares about it. sisters, you are each like the lioness at the gate."
- byu women’s conference thursday, april 29, 2010, julie b. beck

nothing in life has fulfilled me the way that being a mother has. no design created, no piano piece performed, no sentence written can match motherhood. my children are my greatest creative work. not even the dreariness of never-ending laundry piles, or the constantly sticky kitchen floor can diminish the joy i receive from them. i love being a mother. it is an eternal blessing.

gratitude day 7: confessionals

i am grateful for confessionals.

i just finished reading a great book: THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION by brené brown. in one chapter, she explains why it is so important to share things that make us feel shameful, to own our stories, and to not run from vulnerabilities. without having heard/read it before, i have been doing this all along here on my blog with my confessionals. in brené's words:

shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story...it can't survive being shared. shame loves secrecy. when we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.

thank you, dear readers, for showing compassion and empathy when i confess here on my blog, instead of judgment, blame, or trying to "fix" my problems.

so, in the spirit of sharing, here's my latest confessional:

i confess, i am terrible at keeping all my balls up in the air. i tend to hyper-focus and then I have a hard time stopping one thing and moving on to the next. there is no moderation in my life. i spent an entire day cleaning [toothbrush scrubbing, grout-sealing, baseboard-wiping type of cleaning]. the next day i spent an entire day writing. followed by an entire night watching season 1 of grey’s anatomy on netflix. then an entire day graphic designing. only to realize I have not done the laundry all week. or read a book. or blogged about what i’m thankful for. and oops, are those the vitamins i’m supposed to take every day still sitting on the counter?

do you keep a schedule? i would love to know how you divide up your time and tasks. how much time do you spend doing housework? cooking? errand running? working? please share.

also, we are trying to buckle down on unnecessary spending. so of course, i bought the shirt you see above. because it seemed like a need to remind everyone that voltron is the defender of the universe. anyone else have a hard time distinguishing between wants and needs?

i am retiring as a piano teacher after our spring recital in march. and i cried when i typed the flyer up in which i broke the news to my students. teaching piano has been a big blessing and part of my life while my kids were little and nap-takers, but as our family has grown and changed, it’s gotten harder and harder. that afternoon time is precious. i’m trying to focus on writing and designing while the kids are at school and then make the most of the time my kids are home—spending it with them.

i have a secret love for aaron neville. can’t be explained, but i thought i should share. do you have a secret musical shame?

i may or may not have much time to blog again before tax season is over. yes, i’m doing it "one more time." one more time. i’d rather write php code than prepare taxes, but i’m doing it for the money. i will answer to the name “tax whore” until april 15.


until then, i have to finalize a few things with a fun design project i hope to be able to share with you guys soon. and, i need to finish that novel i’m always writing about [when i should just be writing it.] i’m 88,000 words in and i can see, taste, smell, hear, feel the ending. there is crying—and kissing—involved in the final scenes. also, ocean waves breaking dramatically, but no one. word. sentences.

so, if it’s quiet around here for awhile, you’ll know why.

gratitude day 6: personal revelation

[The Annex by Hollie Chastain]

today i am grateful for personal revelation.

having the holy ghost as a constant companion is one of the greatest gifts in my life. through personal revelation i have been prompted to stay when i wanted to leave, to keep going when i wanted to quit, to respond with kindness when i was angry, to speak up when i was afraid, to believe in myself when i felt worthless.

the holy ghost, and more specifically, the personal revelation i have received from God through him has made me better. more than i would be by myself. it has shortened the gaps between who i am now and who i hope to be.

Julie B. Beck said:

"The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life...It requires a conscious effort to diminish distractions, but having the Spirit of revelation makes it possible to prevail over opposition and persist in faith through difficult days and essential routine tasks. Personal revelation gives us the understanding of what to do every day to increase faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and seek those who need our help. Because personal revelation is a constantly renewable source of strength, it is possible to feel bathed in help even during turbulent times." -Ensign, May 2010, 10–12

[anna, does this answer your question about more gratitude posts? i think i'll keep going until i reach 21, but it might not be every day. i apologize. i sometimes can't live up to my own expectations.]