There is this old Dinosaur Jr. song that I used to listen to called Feel the Pain [unrelatedly, it's a song on our Guitar Hero game that I rock at]. The lyrics say:
I feel the pain of everyone.
This happens to me sometimes. Today I am overwhelmed by the pain of everyone else. Maybe it's because I have been writing all day about how sad and lonely my main character is. Maybe it's because I read this obituary here today:
Heroin stole John first from his family, then from his friends, then from all who loved him. Early Thursday morning, heroin stole John from himself. We are so sorry.
Maybe it's because I read this poem at the beginning of the book Fire by Kristin Cashore and thought of my brother Steven:
Dellian Lament
While I was looking the other way your fire went out
Left me with cinders to kick into dust
What a waste of the wonder you were
In my living fire I will keep your scorn and mine
In my living fire I will keep your heartache and mine
At the disgrace of a waste of a life
Maybe it's because right now it seems like nothing ever, anywhere could make up for the waste of a life. If you read this, say a little prayer for anyone you know struggling with addiction. And I'll keep working on my recovery. Feeling this is part of that process. I hope in the end it will be enough.
[And if I have utterly depressed you, don't worry. It won't last. I have funny things planned for my next post involving a J. Crew catalog and captions. But sometimes life is not funny, or pretty, or happily-ever-after and it feels important for me to make a record of that here.]
I agree that sometimes you have to document those things. I always hate using my blog to do it, but then I realize that people want to read those things about me. It gives our relationship more depth because we can experience the happiness with the sadness. Thank you for your thoughts!
ReplyDeletethere are times when i fool myself into thinking my heart has healed and i feel like maybe i've recovered... and then i go and read this. and it feels exactly like my own thoughts, and i sob through a fifteen-minute shower.
ReplyDeletei feel your pain. and his pain. and the pain of everyone else who has experienced the heartache of addiction.
love you.
also, wishing we could go see 'new moon' together this week :)
thanks a lot rachel. just when i think i've cried enough in one month... but it's true, we can't pretend and sometimes we need to discuss reality and not just our hope for reality. i cope by reading that "A Million Little Pieces" book. did you read it? it's awful. i probably shouldn't read it, but away i read.
ReplyDelete"for the seasons all run together,
ReplyDeleteno one really knowing which one will be the last. Live each day as if there will be no more sunsets, and praise Him for the beautiful sunrise the next morning."
Tony Hillerman