Friday, March 29, 2013

the plague of 2013, or why i just spent $60.00 for a 16 oz. bottle of the most disgusting thing i've ever tasted

oh hai. that's me in the photo above. gazing longingly at the trail i used to run. back when i could, you know, run and not be weary. take note of my scapula/bird wings beneath my highly attractive green jacket.

i'm sick. was sick. for a few weeks in january, after which i enjoyed a brief week of supreme health, then a dive into the health pits of despair. hereafter to be known as the plague of 2013.

by the numbers [since i'm remembering fondly the past years in which i was preparing 800 tax returns right about now and i miss working with numbers all day every day. <--- a lie]:

1, 2, 3, 4 and FIVE: number of different types of antibiotics i have consumed.

4: number of night terrors about murder caused by the meds. [why do i always dream that my loved ones are murderers?! why?]

2: number of CT scans I had performed.

7: number of feet tall the giant radiologist named leroy who did my CT scans was.

3: number of blood tests ran.

134: amount i weighed in january.

116: amount i weigh today.

121: amount i weighed when i got married.

116: amount i weighed when my nickname was skeletor and a frenemy spread a rumor at school that i was anorexic.

1: number of times my pants FELL OFF whilst i was errand running. my skinny jeans are baggy. MY SKINNY JEANS ARE BAGGY.

3: number of minutes i can stand without feeling like my muscles are going to collapse.

1: number of days i have left to take antibiotics #4 and #5.

>2,000: number of dollars i have spent in doctor's offices, hospitals, massage therapists, and pharmacists.

and guess what? still not feeling great. at all. which is why i bought this today:

didn't blink an eye at the $60.00 price tag. i bought the biggest bottle they had. chugged the suggested dosage of one tablesoon. and then i blinked an eye. or maybe it was more of a fluttering twitch of several rapid blinks because i can tell you for certain. MOST GROSS THING I'VE EVER TASTED OR WILL EVER TASTE. more gross than that weird black indian candy my friend brought back from audi arabia in 7th grade. (that was the second most gross). more gross than castor oil.

guys, it's so gross. of course it's gross. what can you expect with the 3 main ingredients being raw garlic, raw honey, and raw apple cider vinegar? and i'm supposed to chug a tablespoon an hour. how, i don't know, but i'm going to do it if it kills me. unless the plague kills me first.

if i die, i would like to leave my book collection to brook. and i would like my unfinished novels to be completed by my sister angela and her husband and published posthumously. please try not to make them too funny or people will know it wasn't really me writing them. i would like my organs donated. and i would like my sister anna to come clean my desk and basement and throw away my free write journals before anyone else goes through my things.

goodbye for now, cruel world.


  1. I'm so sorry you're as sick as you are. I wish you felt better and that the doctors knew what was going on. And, I'm glad you can still write a very humorous post about your experience. I kinda feel bad for chuckling.

  2. I hope Dr. Christopher's nasty, but probably helpful, immune drink kicks that plague in the butt. Get well!

  3. Rachel! I miss you and love you. I wish you were better, so you were better, but also because I miss your blog posts. This is awesome and I laughed really hard. Until I read the last part because I'd be so, so sad if anything happened to you. At that point, I started to cry. But, I'll take care of your free write journals just as we discussed. I was even telling someone about them the other day. When I tried to cure my strep throat, I drank a mixture of honey, raw garlic and cayenne pepper. It was awful. I can only imagine the gagging that would ensue if I drank Dr. Christopher's magic potion.

  4. so, i don't know if i'm trying to cure you or kill you (because i will be inheriting your books--but we probably have too many duplicates any way, so it wouldn't really be worth it--kindred book reading friend) by suggesting the "super immune garlic formula" once known as the "anit-plague formula." i am sorry it is so gross and i hope you get better soon!

  5. Too skinny. =( Not something I thought I'd ever write! But you'll be back to your hot self soon! If I could think of anything I could do, I'd do it. I'M RIGHT HERE!!! Hey, your kids would love to come for a day at our house during this glorious spring break! If you're feeling too weak, and you still want them to have fun, you have my number. =) I even have enough seats in the Death Star... that's a treat all by itself! Get Casey & Miranda to conspire, and there will be a playdate for sure. love ya

  6. Oh no! I am so worried about you, friend! I can't wait to see you on Wed. I would say I want your clothes if you sucome to the plauge but A) I can't fit into anything especially if you're that tiny- I'm so buying you something FATTENING at writing group! and B) I like you more than clothes- even your fabulous closet!

  7. Oh no that does not sound fun! hopefully you get better soon and hopefully that medicine helps!!

  8. 116?!?!? okay i kind of want the plague. just kidding. i think you are feeling a little better lately so hopefully that expensive medicine is working.

    and clint and i feel very honored that you trust us to finish up and publish the books. i promise we'd do it well.

    love you!

  9. Rachel, you are so interesting, even when you are sick. Thanks for sharing. And I think that's a good idea to write your will on your blog. I've never had one notarized, so posting on the internet is better than nothing. Hope you are on the mend.