the blog post of many, many things (a.k.a. procrastinating writing my novel)

1. i am doing NaNoWriMo this month. i've added a word count progress bar on the right side of my blog. hoping to type 50,000 words by the end of the month. wish me luck.

2. how to host a spooky spa party for younger daughter's 8th birthday: when elder daughter asks if her friends can come over, say do they want to help with a party? also, invite your brother and his girlfriend. then have everyone else do ALL THE WORK.

3. daylight saving time unfolds a bit like the FORTUNATELY, UNFORTUNATELY children's book. fortunately, all my kids were in bed by 7pm the last two nights. unfortunately, they all woke up at 6am. fortunately, it's light outside when elder daughter walks to the bus stop. unfortunately, it's dark before dinner. fortunately, we got an extra hour of sleep on saturday night. unfortunately church still starts at 9am. i think the practice should be abolished along with the incorrect use of the apostrophe.

4. will someone please buy the man who runs at 5am at the american fork rec center track some new pants? he's worn the same ones everyday for the past five years—which wouldn't be so bad except they're about 4 sizes too small, and pulled up at least 4 inches too high, showing an unsightly chunk of hairy white ankle and not leaving anything to the imagination in his nether regions. maybe he wouldn't breathe so loudly if he had a pair that fit better. no one should have to deal with this at 5am.

5. younger daughter's baptism day was one of the happiest of my life for many, many reasons. i might have taken more pictures had i not been deathly ill. i think when my head cold clears, i'd like to blog more coherently and deeply about it.

if you ever wanted to know what it's like

[images from the fantastic hyperbole and a half]

depression is hard to understand (for loved ones of the depressed, and the depressed themselves), hard to treat (at least in my experience) without feeling like a cold, dead, reptilian devoid-of-feelings person, and impossible to not blame myself for.

over the years, i have developed a few tricks to keep the sad wolves at bay: excercise, limit refined sugars, prayer, healthy relationships. but this fall has been HARD. and for no particular reason, which makes me feel even worse when i stop and think about it.

i have a great, wonderful, easy life with millions of blessings and tender mercies. children! prosperity! friends! health! freedom! clean water! maroon skinny jeans!

and yet.

if you ever wanted to know what it's like to have depression, you should read this.

meanwhile i'll keep waking up at 5am to fit in my exercising. cuz as crazy as that seems, it's helping.

truth in fiction

a friend of mine [oh, hi, jenni] just asked her blog readers what our opinions were on age recommendations as a part of a book review.

and it immediately got me thinking about a related subject. how much darkness is okay in a novel? how many bad words? how much sexual innuendo or content? consider the following:

-we read A THOUSAND SPLENDID SUNS in my neighborhood book group and a few of the ladies took offense at the ugliness in the novel and suggested we should only read books published by DESERET BOOK.

-another friend brought back a few books i had loaned to her and said she just couldn't finish them because of the language in them. books i love. a friend i love.

-i told casey anne (who is 12) that she couldn't read a book because of the content until she was older.

-consider this excerpt from NORTHERN LIGHT by jennifer donnelly:

"it seems to me that there are books that tell stories, and then there are books that tell truths...the first kind makes you cheerful and contented, but the second kind shakes you up...why do writers make things sugary when life isn't that way...why don't they tell the truth? why don't they tell how a pigpen looks after the sow's eaten her own children? or how it is for a girl when her baby won't come out? or that cancer has a smell to it?...why doesn't anyone tell you that?"

my first novel is the sugary kind. in my current project, i am attempting to tell truths. MY truths. the emotional truth of addiction and prodigality and shame. and there is drug abuse and swearing and ugliness. and i've wondered why i have that all inside of me and why i feel a compulsion to write it down. because i also believe this:

everything we read stays with us, effects the level to which we can recognize and respond to the spirit. when we spend our time with filth, we lose that precious influence. i think this is a good and valid reason for censoring what we read and what our children read.

HOWEVER—and this is a huge however—i think the written word is at its most powerful when it contains truth. and how can you show the power of redemption, of forgiveness, the triumph over darkness and the beauty of returning to the light if there was no mistake made? no darkness followed into? no pigpen mired in? what power would the parable of the prodigal son have been with no prodigal and only the faithful son that stayed home at his father's side?

my favorite books will always contain a bit of that darkness, a bit of that rawness and grittiness because it makes the resolution that much more bright and beautiful. and to me, true.

oh, HELLO.

It's a sad story with a happy ending.

School started, I had scheduled, uninterrupted writing time everyday, and the blog fell by the wayside. Writing my new work-in-progress has been emotional, spiritual, and such a different experience than writing DYING LIGHT. The process has left me feeling vulnerable, exposed, and one hundred per cent sure that I am meant to be writing this. (And I've only written the first five chapters or so.)

Since my last post I've had an emotional breakdown (which happened, embarrassingly during writer's group at the Barnes and Noble cafe, right next to the knitting group), a bout of weird depression in which I woke up crying from my dreams all night long, and a recommitment to living a spiritual life dedicated to doing what the Lord wants me to do, and not the things I want to do (though on my best days these are the same thing). I don't think it's coincidental.

And the happy ending? I hope to be blogging more frequently. Here's a playlist that I have on repeat over and over. I know I've already shared some of these songs, but so what. They're awesome and I'm reminding you of them. I'm happy to share, if you email me.

Also, if you haven't already purchased Ben Howard's album on Amazon, you should do it now.

1. Old Pine / Ben Howard
2. London [Live on the Thames] / Ben Howard
3. Gracious / Ben Howard
4. Half Moon / Blind Pilot
5. Tonight Is The Kind Of Night / Noah & The Whale
6. Right Before My Eyes / Cage The Elephant
7. Out Go The Lights / Spoon
8. I Turn My Camera / Spoon
9. You, Me, & the Boatman / Quiet Company
10. Fairytale Lullaby / Bombay Bicycle Club
11. Rinse Me Down / Bombay Bicycle Club
12. Shuffle / Bombay Bicycle Club
13. Lights Out, Words Gone / Bombay Bicycle Club
14. OK Pal / M83
15. 1957 / Milo Greene
16. See You / Benjamin Francis Leftwich
17. Dont Stop (Color On The Walls) / Foster The People
18. Pumped Up Kicks / Foster The People
19. Helena Beat / Foster The People
20. If You / I Dream In Colour
21. Punching In A Dream / Naked and Famous
22. Block After Block / Matt & Kim
23. The A Team / Ed Sheeran
24. Fresh Blood / Eels
25. Milk Honey / Beatsteaks
26. Cheap Comments / Beatsteaks
27. Crystalfilm / Little Dragon
28. Until We Bleed (With Lykke Li) / Kleerup
29. Vultures / Jess Mills
30. Sail / Awolnation
31. A Real Hero (Feat. Electric Youth) / Drive College
32. Pouring Rain At Dawn / Jayhawks
33. Santa Fe / Beirut
34. Lost In My Mind / The Head And The Heart
35. Winter Song / The Head And The Heart

Allow me this moment

I had this gratitude blog post all planned out. I will still blog about it. But allow me this moment to cry. My baby has gone to kindergarten, and instead of the feelings of relief and joy and excitement I thought I would feel, I am crying. Sad that my buddy is growing up. Worried about him following school rules. And a little broken-hearted at the way he pushed me away and said, "Just let me walk with my friends."

Today, instead of enjoying the silence at home, I am thinking how grateful I am for half-day kindergarten. I can't wait to pick this guy up in 2 1/2 hours.

gratitude day 25: casey anne

she left for her first day of junior high today, catching a ride with a friend's mom, my heart shredding in that way that mother's hearts do, over and over. i snapped a hurried photo as her friend waited in the car in our driveway.

me: nervous, crying. her: running, excited, hair curled.

i fell in love with her the moment the nurse laid her in my arms in the hospital. she was beautiful, serene, already wise. today she is calm, obedient, responsible, confident, a peace maker. and totally unafraid of the world.

i am afraid enough for both of us. thinking about her starting junior high, i've had this poem running through my head. it seems to fit her so well.

Song for a Young Girl's Puberty Ceremony

I am on my way running,

I am on my way running,

Looking toward me is the edge of the world,

I am trying to reach it,

The edge of the world does not look far away,

To that I am on my way running.

-Anonymous, Translated by Frances Densmore

gratitude day 24: burdens

[brightly colored burdens by brian kershisnik]

so many things on my mind, so hard to find the words. it's been one of those emotional, thinking-deeply kind of weeks for me.

i feel like i've reached the peak of a towering summit this summer after a grueling effort. only, once i sat down to rest i looked around and discovered that the next mountain i am required to scale looks exactly like the one i just climbed.

i am older, wiser, yes. but i have grown weary. and i have these burdens on my back—burdens with labels like “difficult relationship”, “impatient”, “unproductive”, “easily provoked”, “unwilling to forgive”. i feel like i am not up to the tasks at hand.

these burdens! i think. they are too heavy. if i were more patient, more naturally inclined to compassion and kindness then perhaps i could shoulder them. but i cannot. i cannot go on.

and then, up on that summit, i take my burdens off my back for a moment, really look at them. i notice how brightly colored they are, how brightly they shine in the sunlight. how, even though it's a strain, i can pick them up, because i am stronger than i was before. and i realize that i am grateful for that strength because i know i could not have gotten it in any other way. my burdens are brightly colored. they are beautiful.

and now, headed down the summit and onto the next one, i realize my burdens have had wheels all along. wheels with labels like “daily prayer”, “scripture study”, “temple attendance”, and “atonement”. i keep my burdens on the ground now, letting the wheels do their work, rolling down the mountain, gaining speed.

i hope i can pick up enough speed to make it at least halfway up the next peak. i can't wait to see the view from up there.